TheX-Menspinoff filmThe New Mutants, fromThe Fault in Our StarsdirectorJosh Boone, was originally announced in May of 2015, which you may recognize as being full-on five goddamn years ago, or roughly 1/5th of starMaisie Williams’ life. This movie has been stuck on a shelf since back when people still likedGame of Thrones, is what I’m saying.
The film, focused on a small group of teenagers experiencing their mutant powers for the first time and learning how to cope with them, was pitched as a cross between a superhero film and a horror movie, which left many of us potential fans quite intrigued. “A body horrorX-Menfilm, you say?” we said. “I’d pay upwards of $17.50 to see that!” The New Mutants finished filming in 2017, with a targeted release date of April, 2018. But the movie’s release was pushed back to February of 2019, both to avoid competing withDeadpool 2and to accommodate some reshoots. A few months later,The New Mutantswas bumped again, this time from February 2019 to August 2019, to avoid competing withDark Phoenix. As it turns out,Dark Phoenixneedn’t have worried about a competingX-Menfilm, because it was an intergalactic piece of shit that bombed hard enough to disprove Halley’s Hollow Earth theory. Finally, following Disney’s very Dark Phoenix-esque assimilation of 20th Century Fox,The New Mutantswas kicked off the calendar yet again and relocated to April of 2020. At long last, the universe intervened, andThe New Mutantswas pulled from Disney’s release schedule due to the coronavirus pandemic. Today, the company proudly announced that, for real this time,The New Mutantswill hit theaters in August of this year, we’re totally serious.
At this point, you could be forgiven for believing thatThe New Mutantsis anything more than an elaborate practical joke. The movie doesn’t actually exist, it’s merely a tax shelter for former Fox executives. But as I sat here reading the news of this latest release date, I had an accidental epiphany. Summoning all of my considerable wit, I thought to myself, “Boy,The New Mutantsis theChinese Democracyof movies,” and suddenly everything clicked. I think there’s something deeper and ultimately more exciting at work here, something reminiscent of an infamous appetite for illusions and spaghetti that provoked a group of balladeers on a quest to bring democracy to a distant land. I am of course speaking ofWilliam “Axl” Roseand his band of adventurersGuns N’ Roses. Therefore, I believeThe New Mutantsis secretly a new Guns N’ Roses album. There can be no other explanation.
If the blessed wish of that August 2020 release date is granted, people will file into movie theaters, maintaining social distancing withNew Mutantsmasks covering their faces, and get settled into their seats for the new X-Men movie only to see Axl goddamn Rose muster all of the might of his 58 years to kick open the door of the X-Mansion and shriek, “It’s the New Mutants, baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiieeeeee before you get to see it!” The surprise album drop will continue much in this fashion for the next 90 minutes, withSlashstanding on the cockpit of the Blackbird, struggling to demolish a bitchin’ guitar solo and keep his signature hat from flying off of his head at supersonic speeds at the same time, andDuff McKaganfrantically thumping out bass lines while running top speed from Wolverine after dumping all his beer down the sink. I would purchase an infinite number of tickets to watch Axl Rose wheeze his way through “Welcome to the Jungle” in the belly of Cerebro until he blacks out and falls over the railing, and I know I’m not alone.
As you may or may not remember, Axl Rose is the absolute champion of very publicly delaying an artistic project to the point of self-parody. Initially begun when his band was on top of the world back in 1994,Chinese Democracydidn’t finally see the light of day until the end of 2008. That’s 14 damn years, or roughly two-thirds of New Mutants starAnya Taylor-Joy’s life. The only way to justifyThe New Mutantsnow-comical delays and convince everyone the movie isn’t a total shitshow is to fold Chinese Democracy II into it. Or possiblyDr. Dre’sDetox. The only other explanation is thatThe New Mutantsis a jumbled mess that nobody knows how to market, and that suggestion is so far outside the realm of possibility that I refuse to even consider it.
