By now, you know thatDolittle, Universal’s take on the classic talking-to-animals tale starringRobert Downey Jr., was a bit of a box office disaster. But as has become a tradition in the wake of a major bomb, we now also get the post-premiere finger-pointing report, this time courtesy ofTHR. These things should usually be taken with a few fingers of salt, butDolittle’s postmortem is especially notable because it sounds kind of like the major issue on an otherwise amiable production was figuring out just what to jam into a dragon’s asshole.
Okay, there wereotherissues. After a first cut was assembled by writer/directorStephen Gaghan—the Oscar-winner behind supreme downers likeSyrianaandTraffic—it became immediately apparent that a jovial family comedy “not the kind of movie he should have directed.”
The studio called in other names to try and inject some energy into the flick.Seth Rogencame aboard and brought hisNeighborsco-writerBrendan O’Brienwith him. When Rogen proved too busy, Universal turned toThe LEGO Batman MoviedirectorChris McKay, who also had to drop out without many major contributions after he was offeredThe Tomorrow War. In the end, it largely does seem like a “too many cooks in the kitchen” scenario, especially when you factor in how much creative control was in the hands of Downey Jr. and his producing partner/wife,Susan Downey. (According to one post-production insider, “When Iron Man tells you something, you listen to Iron Man.")
But then there’s also that dang dragon’s logjammed sphincter. The studio was reportedly very unhappy with the first cut’s ending, which did feature a dragon, but did not—as it does in the finished product—feature beloved children’s character Dr. Dolittle removing anything from that dragon’s ass. “It felt like a morose father-son story, and there wasn’t a big animal presence,” an insider said.
According to the report, that ending stumped the creative team more than anything until they landed on “bagpipes lodged in the dragon’s rectum.” I urge you to read the following passage, which should be hung in a museum for future generations to see.
“The ending vexed the moviemakers. Even when it was decided that the dragon was constipated, there was debate over logistics. One cut, according to sources, featuredDolittleremoving a boulder-sized stool out of the dragon. In the end, the film showed bagpipes as the constipating culprit, with the good doctor enduring a windful of gas.”
There was debate over logistics.The next time you’re thinking about taking movies too seriously, please picture a room full of grown-ass adults arguing about what Robert Downey Jr. should extract from a mythical beast’s anus. Tinsel Town, baby!
